Fight Club

December 13, 2008

The first rule of Fight Club is you don’t bleat about Fight Club.

It all began when upstart Calvin jumped atop a bale of straw, a glazed look in his eye and fiery ambition in his sheeply soul. Elder statesman Firefly ambled over and sniffed. That’s all it took. With the three girls munching hay and looking on, Calvin leapt into the air, did what could only be described as a swirling dive move, landed on his hooves, backed up, and charged Firefly.

Firefly is pretty laid back these days. He’s bred the girls, tolerated Calvin’s antics, led the Gang of Five on their daily pastoral constitutional, managed all domestic issues in the shed, and generally fulfilled the duties of Class President. But now the upstart was challenging him.

So Firefly did what any red blooded American ram would do. He dropped back a few yards, lowered his head, and rammed Calvin. Let the games begin!

The run-in shed was too small a venue for a drama this large. The rams raced into the pasture, as fast as they could. All bets were off and Calvin was feeling like this was his lucky day. Calvin reared up on his hind legs, front legs in the air, and charged Firefly from 20 feet out. Firefly stood his ground and butted back. Undaunted, Calvin backed up and did it again. On two legs. Smack. Bam! (Repeat 20 times).

Fiery ambition can only take a young ram so far. At some point, the unstoppable logic of a force greater than himself settled in his brain. So Calvin did what any red-blooded adolescent lamb would do: he turned tail and ran. As hard as he could. And Firefly chased him. Round and round the pasture they went, Calvin’s reputation and pride shriveling with each circle.

When one is failing at a contest, the prudent choice is to change the contest. In desperation, Calvin scooted under the fence into the side pasture, where surely he would be safe. But Firefly followed. (Note to self: fix hole in fence.) Pasture Two has a deep gully and Calvin clearly thought he could outdo Firefly by jumping into the gully and then jumping back up. Wrong. Firefly was right behind him. Calvin jumped into the gully. Firefly jumped in. Calvin jumped out. Firefly raised him by also jumping out and then butting Calvin from behind. Repeat this scenario a few times. You get the idea.

Their unseemly behavior was egged on by Freckles, the Great Pyrenees, full of courage thanks to her location on the safe side of the fence. She bounded in rhythm to the action, cheering on the energetic fight. Although we don’t have independent verification, we are told that the chickens were cheering on Firefly to administer a lesson to Calvin — who is known to jump on top of the chicken coop at inopportune moments.

As all Fight Club events do, the two combatants (neither of whom were in the least bit bloodied), sidled up to each other, nuzzled side to side, and walked back to the run-in shed where they availed themselves of water and alfalfa pellets, all the while deconstructing the morning’s events and basking in the adoration of the three ewes.


About Steely Dan Reader

Four decades of interviews and reviews about Steely Dan.
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